REVIEW: ‘The Crow’ is a colossal disaster

It’s probably more accurate to call this “A Self-Insert ‘Crow’ Fanfiction” than “The Crow.”

Like the 1994 film with the same name, “The Crow” is an adaptation of the 1989 comic book written by James O’Barr. The picture stars Bill Skarsgard as Eric, a recovering addict with a troubled past. The movie introduces him at a rehab center, where he meets a young woman named Shelly (FKA Twigs).

The two end up falling in love and leave the rehab center together. They’re happy and begin living a new life, but unfortunately, a dark part of Shelly’s past emerges. In an ambush, both she and Eric are killed. However, Eric is given the opportunity to return to life and take vengeance.

The 1974 “Texas Chain Saw Massacre” is widely considered one of the best horror movies of all time, and its lower budget and gritty look added to its charm. The remake in 2003, meanwhile, came off as too polished and lacked the more simple but effective approach of its predecessor. All of this is brought up because it’s a similar situation with “The Crow.”

The only difference is that the 2003 “Massacre” movie was watchable. This one… not so much. In a bit of fairness, it’s important to note that this movie is not a direct remake of that 90s film, but rather a new interpretation of the comic book. However, it can absolutely be said that the 94 movie pulled off everything far better.

So, when it comes to the look, the 90s “Crow” had a distinct gothic appearance and style. The city, streets and costumes had a grit and grime that made the world feel like it was lived in, while also jumping out of the page of a comic. There are a plethora of iconic shots mixed with a gorgeous dark aesthetic. The new film, meanwhile, has the look of an entirely generic modern action movie.

A standard visual identity isn’t exactly a dealbreaker for a straightforward action flick. However, for a series, and even a comic book, so well known for its immense personality in the way it looks, you’d think more would be done to inject some flair. All this movie really does is make everything wet, as it’s constantly raining and Eric is getting thrown in to bathtubs and pools of water.

Speaking of flair, the film is also woefully lacking in any music to set the mood. There are several needle-drops in the 1994 film that do tremendous work in enhancing scenes. Not so much the case with the newer counterpart, and the songs they do include don’t strike a good chord.

A lot of this could have probably been overlooked, though, had the movie actually been compelling in any way when it comes to the characters and narrative. Sadly, what’s offered up is a convoluted mess.

First thing’s first, this is a revenge movie with a runtime of an hour and 50 minutes. Yet the actual revenge stuff doesn’t even get started until about an hour in. What we’re treated to instead for 60 minutes is an extended “edgy” romance between Eric and Shelly that comes across like something you’d see in a teen flick like those “After” movies.

That leads into another issue, the main characters themselves. The casting of musician of FKA Twigs was questionable as she has almost no acting experience, and it really shows. She doesn’t have a great deal of chemistry with Skarsgård and is just mostly stale.

Skarsgård, meanwhile, fairs a bit better. He’s shown himself to be a versatile actor in the past and makes some of the scenes here work. The bad news is he’s almost entirely let down by the writing and direction. Eric in this film is such a lousy protagonist to follow. He just doesn’t have much agency as a character.

The takeaway is that the creative team made an effort to make Eric appear as a dark, tragic anti-hero, without really doing any of the work. Eric in this film is in rehab, he has a traumatic past, he makes pictures on his wall that are basically running a black marker across paper a bunch like the kid from “The Ring” and he’s covered in tattoos.

And yet it all boils down to so little because underneath it all, the character is rather hollow. Keep in mind, with the 90s film, Eric was just a guy. Yes, he had some edge because he was in a rock band and seemed like a dude who could celebrate Halloween year-round, but overall, he just came across as a cool, chill man who loved his fiancé and was tragically killed.

Adding all of this extra detail to Eric doesn’t enhance the character. It’s similar to how Jared Leto’s tatted-up Joker paled in comparison to other interpretations. It also has to be noted that this Eric isn’t all that intimidating for most of the picture. He doesn’t have much in terms of iconic kills or have great lines that instill fear in those he’s after, another deviation.

Things don’t get much better on the opposite side of the spectrum, either. The villain in this movie is a complete letdown. Danny Huston’s Vincent is the most stock big bad, a literal suit. There’s also the issue that there’s a whole subplot of the character needing souls because of a deal he made with the Devil. It just makes the picture more convoluted than necessary.

Yes this has been harped on a lot, but it has to be said. The 1994 film got the villains so right. The cultish, eerie trio of Top Dollar, Myca and Grange make such a great final foil to Eric’s revenge tour. They also had memorable henchmen that committed the initial murders, something this movie also is missing.

Additionally, Vincent’s whole place in the movie doesn’t make much sense. He says very early on in the movie that his deal he made has allowed him to live for “centuries.” OK, sure. But then the reason he ends up going after Shelly, and by association, Eric, is she took a video of him using his powers that could apparently bring his whole empire down.

Really? You’ve been around for centuries and have all this power but a video you probably have the ability to play off as a hoax can bring you down? It’s not exactly buyable.

Another problem is how the movie tracks time. Another early event is Shelly being arrested for carrying drugs and the next time we see her, she’s in rehab with Eric. That’s where Vincent’s people track her down to. That means that the henchmen waited for Shelly to go to jail, get an attorney, go to a hearing and get approved to go to a rehab center before they even bothered to go after her.

This poor concept of how time passes is also reflected in the relationship between Eric and Shelly. It’s kind of hard to tell how long they’re together after they meet, it could be one week, it could be a month, but it’s not really possible to figure out. As a result, a viewer can’t quite identify just how deep their romance was.

The movie also very bizarrely does the same scene practically twice. Some spoilers here, because, screw it. Eric, as expected, dies, and he meets a spirit guide in purgatory named Kronos (Sami Bouajila) who tells him he has to go back to the land of the living and make things right. Then, Eric basically messes up, goes back to purgatory, and Kronos tells him he has to go back to the land of the living and make things right.

The film isn’t even two hours long and they felt the need to get repetitive. By the way, the whole spirit guide being a speaking role seemed really unnecessary when it could have simply been, oh, I don’t know, a crow. But hey, tell, don’t show, right?

Just an idea, but maybe instead of the spirit guide guy, add some grounded characters who can bring the whole situation back to Earth and add some humanity. Maybe like some other film did with a police officer and a girl who are friendly with the protagonist.

But hey, this is an action movie, so how does the film do on that end? Well, it certainly earns its R-rating with absolutely brutal sequences, especially a big one taking place at an opera. However, it rarely feels personal or cathartic because they’re all basically stereotypical foot soldiers.

Fight scenes against these types of baddies can work in something like “The Avengers” or “Blade II.” But it doesn’t mean as much in a revenge film where the action should feel more personal and emotional. It’s just harder to care, even if the kills are much more intense.

“The Crow” is a cinematic disaster. For fans of the original, it absolutely pales in comparison in every viable way. Even as just a revenge action picture, though, it’s not really worth seeing. 0.5 out of 5.